IFReviewed by Paul OBrian on 2006-07-21 06:24
NOTE: I'm going to be spoiling the first puzzle, but don't worry, you'd never have solved it without the walkthrough anyway.
Somebody please MST this game. It's just so perfect for it -- terrible but in very entertaining ways. Take, for instance, the first puzzle. You awaken inside your room in the scientific complex (yes, it's a scientific complex game. I was so worried Comp03 wouldn't have more than one!) to find gas seeping in under the door. What kind? Hard to tell when the game doesn't know the word "gas". There's a bandage handy, but the bandage can't be stuffed under the door ("I don't see any door here."), nor can it be worn on the face, mouth, or nose (because the game doesn't know any of those words.) Simply entering WEAR BANDAGE yields the mystifying response, "You put the bandage on your arm and wrap it around the cut." Cut? X ME shows no sign of injury -- turns out that you acquire the cut much later in the game, but the bandage always assumes you have it already. Anyway, back to the gas problem. Here's the room description:
Your standing in your room or apartment (whichever you want to
call it). It's about the size of a large bedroom, complete with all
the furnishings. There's a small bed in the southwest corner with a
nightstand next to it. On the other side of the room is a small TV.
There is a dresser along the west wall. The exit lies to the north.
Rather than focus on the non-contraction in the first word, I'll try to concentrate on the puzzle. "I don't know the word 'dresser'" tells us that the dresser isn't implemented. The nightstand and bed are no help. Examining the TV gives us this very amusing response:
On the screen, you can see that it's a Fastlane rerun. Since it's
your favorite episode, you watch for a few minutes.
The room is nearly filled with gas!
Man, the PC must really
love that show! HOLD BREATH predictably fails. ("I don't know the word 'hold'.") Oh, and just walking through the exit engulfs the PC in a cloud of lethal gas. Well, guess we'd better consult the walkthrough.
Hey, the first command in the walkthrough is OPEN ARMOIRE. Now, the question must be asked: WHAT FREAKING ARMOIRE?! It wouldn't be this dresser, would it? No, of course not, since the game never refers to it as an armoire. The PC must just be so familiar with the armoire that he no longer notices it when he looks at the room, instead just thinking of it as "all the furnishings," and therefore it is known only to those players who have read the walkthrough. Those lucky people can open it and find -- how convenient! -- a gas mask. No clothes or anything, but sure enough, this janitor is well-prepared for gas attacks, thanks to the gear he keeps inside the rustic antique that he's somehow hauled into his onsite living quarters, which presumably are necessary due to the remoteness and/or secrecy of the scientific complex, 25 long miles away from the nearest town. Later we find out that somebody else in the complex also has an armoire. Maybe this complex devotes itself equally to scientific discovery and antiquing. Anyhow, that entertaining exercise in puzzle-solving is entirely emblematic of the level of gameplay on offer in Bio, where slipshod coding, dreadful spelling, simplistic themes, juvenile imagery, and ghastly design all jostle for pride of place at each moment.
I dunno, though. Compared to some of the games in this comp, Bio just charms me a little. I mean, yeah, it's sort of fascinated with blood and disease, and heaven knows it's loaded with clichés, but it's not outright nasty like Lardo was. And yeah, maybe its prose is in serious need of proofreading, but it's nowhere near as dire as that of Amnesia. It's at least nominally interactive, unlike RPG, and has a modicum of story, unlike Little Girl. It's the right size for the comp, and while it certainly lacks any sort of testing, it is finishable (with the walkthrough, anyway.) Don't get me wrong, Bio is nothing like a good game, but it feels well-intentioned to me, more or less. I think it's possible that some future work from this author may end up being pretty good. That'll go some ways towards living down the hilarious MSTing of this game that simply must happen.