IFReviewed by Paul OBrian on 2006-07-20 08:52
For the past few years, each competition has had one game that I found unremittingly unpleasant, a horrible experience from start to finish. Last year, it was Chicks Dig Jerks
, with its pounding misogyny and seething nests of bugs. The year before that, it was Cattus Atrox
, whose relentless but shallow horror and totally logic-free plot I found impossible to stomach. I was beginning to think that I'd make it through 2000 without such an experience, but no such luck: 1-2-3... wins the prize for Most Repellent Comp Game, hands down. It doesn't suffer from bugs, though -- it doesn't really get the chance, because it is as linear as a short story. Basically, the game is one long string of guess-the-noun or guess-the-verb puzzles. In fact, for most of the game, each move is in itself one of these types of puzzles, since the game will allow no other action than the one it's waiting for you to guess. The most freedom it ever allows you is when it spreads seven or eight guess-the-noun puzzles in front of you, which you can do in any order, but all of which must be done before the story can proceed. Actually, I use the word "puzzle" but that's being rather generous. Really, the situation I mention above is that you have a couple of NPCs, both of whom must be ASKed ABOUT three magic topics each before the game will continue. These NPCs are so minimally implemented (as is pretty much everything in the game) that they only
answer to those three topics -- all others will provoke one of three random default responses. As if this extremely minimalist implementation didn't make guessing the noun difficult enough, the topics you're expected to type in sometimes verge on the ridiculous. If a character doesn't respond to ASK HIM ABOUT ADVICE, why would I expect him to respond to ASK HIM ABOUT WHAT HE WOULD DO? Of course, the game gives me an unsubtle shove in the right direction by having the character say, "Do you want to know what I would do?" But this is a pretty desultory form of interactivity. The game may as well just tell you what your next command should be, since it has no plans to respond to anything else anyway. If you think that's interactivity, you probably also think ventriloquists' dummies come up with their own punch lines.
Non-interactivity is annoying enough, but consider the context: 1-2-3... is about a serial killer. It puts you in the role of this serial killer. It won't let the game continue until a murder is committed, then another, then another, and these murders can be triggered by rather innocuous (if unintuitive) commands. Now how much does it suck to have no choices? The killings are horrific, misogynist gorefests, with nauseating specifics lovingly enshrined in detailed descriptions, capped by attempts at psychological pathos that would be laughable if they didn't follow such revolting excesses. The first murder scene made me feel literally sick to my stomach, and I seriously considered quitting the game there and then, abstaining from rating and reviewing it. I'm still not sure why I didn't do that -- perhaps some overactive sense of fair play among the comp entries, perhaps a misplaced hope that the game would produce some artistic justification for its ultraviolence. In the end, I had such a horrible experience playing 1-2-3... that I almost wish I hadn't played it, but since I did, I want at least to give others the warning I didn't get.
Thankfully, the game doesn't keep you in the serial killer's role throughout. You are privy to a couple of other viewpoints, most prominently the police detective whose mission is to find and apprehend the killer. Unfortunately, the scenes from the detective's POV are no more interactive than those from the killer's. You must follow, more or less lockstep, exactly what the game has in mind for you, if you want to finish the story. Is 1-2-3... a psych experiment of its own, a kind of test to see how much gag-inducing content a player can take before switching off the computer and (to steal a line from Robb Sherwin) switching her hobby to "Scattergories"? Is it the IF version of Lisa Simpson testing to see how many times Bart will grab for the electrified cupcake? Maybe it is, and if so I certainly seem to have failed the test, because I played through to the end. But my emotional engagement with the game had ended long before that, having suffered multiple stab wounds from the vicious, senseless violence that permeates the game. I was taking every one of the game's cues, typing in what it told me to and letting the text scroll by in the vain hopes of some Rameses-like epiphany. None was forthcoming. Now excuse me -- I have to go take a shower.